also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
