So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
