cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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