Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
