You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
he thought i was a dude.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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