broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
