I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
