I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
