there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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