I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
