im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
