Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
