One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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