all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
