You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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