I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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