My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
