Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
