I think i sorta joined a cult last night
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
