i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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