the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
