I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
