I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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