i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
