god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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