when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
