i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
