she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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