No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
