I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
We have started to decorate penises.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
