i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
