I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
