idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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