I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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