Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
