Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
