I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
bring money and cleavage
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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