I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize