Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
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