He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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