My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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