The beer is more important than you right now.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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