toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
