do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
