You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
