My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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