is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
