i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
