I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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