new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
