Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
