I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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