420 ftw
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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