u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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