Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
