my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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