Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
