Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
