you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
