Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
