So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
