she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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