did you get engaged???
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
