my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
