Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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