Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
